When God Answers


It's our lifeline to God.  It's something we should be doing without ceasing.  All day, just keeping up a constant conversation.

I don't do it like I should.

At church yesterday, the pastor quoted someone (sorry, I don't remember who it was) who said that prayer often comes out of desperation.  When we feel like we have no where else to go, we turn to God.

I've done that.

When we couldn't get pregnant.

When I worried about Colin's development.

I begged and pleaded with God, "Please, God. Take it away.  Heal him.  Just fix him.  Let him be okay."  

I prayed so fervently, at times alone in my bedroom down on my knees with tears pouring out of my eyes like waterfalls.

My prayers were answered, but not like I wanted.

And that's the thing about God and answering prayers.  He answers them, but it's on HIS time table, not mine.  He answers, but He isn't a genie just granting wishes.  He knows all.  He sees the future.  Back in those terrible years of worry, God could see the whole picture.  He knew the path that we were on and He knew why we were on it.

I remember reading the scripture from Matthew that said, "He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)

Then I would question my faith.  

Do I not believe enough?  God isn't answering my prayer.  What am I doing wrong?

I had been down this road before as we went through infertility.  In that situation, I learned that His plan was far greater than my own.

...but how could my son having autism be the better way?  

I don't claim to know God's plan, and I don't understand His ways.  I also know that His ways aren't always easy.  


I know that He is using our situation for good.  

I spoke to another autism mom last week, and we talked about our faith.  She said something that really got me.  She said, "I sometimes feel defeated, but I have to check myself and just keep doing what I feel that God is calling me to do."

That has been floating around my mind for the last few days: What God has called me to do.  

Sometimes, what God calls us to do isn't easy.  It doesn't seem fair.  It's hard...but when you're where God wants you, things have a way of working out and just feeling right.  

I would never have chosen autism for Colin...but I think this is is exactly where we are supposed to be.  He's happy.  He's learning and thriving right now.  God keeps opening doors for me to reach out and help other people.

Through some mutual friends, I made a connection today and I'm super excited to work with her on her local project.  We kept saying that God orchestrated our conversation and she said something that made me cry:  "You and Colin have a special job, and God knew that, together, you would do His work.  Things might be hard for Colin now, but when he gets to Heaven someday, all will be well."

And I cried.  (Curtis says that I cry about everything.) Sometimes I think God places strangers in your life and have them say exactly what you need to hear in that moment.

I admit, there are times that I think, "Why Colin?  Why him?  He doesn't deserve a life that's harder.  Why me?  I'm in no equipped to do this."

But God is working it all out.  I couldn't handle autism, but He could.  He has divinely orchestrated our journey every step of the way.  I used to think that I chose the field of speech language pathology because God knew that I would have a son who would need me...I was wrong.  Through my schooling and career, I have met the right people.  I went down that path because that's how I met the people I needed in my life.The people who would help guide me to the services that Colin needed.

So while God didn't answer my prayers to "just take it away..." He did answer the other part of my prayer: "Just let him be okay."

He is more than okay, he is wonderful, and happy, and thriving. Colin is exactly where he needs to be.  After a year of ABA, today was his first full day of "school" at his ABA clinic.  He got to eat lunch with his peers and have social time.  Just look at that smile and you'll see what he thought about it all:

Colin being at this center in and of itself is such an answered pray, I cannot even begin to describe how thankful and blessed we are to have his ABA team.  I am so thankful that God worked this out for him.

And as for me, God knows that I have a big mouth.  Maybe He looked at me years ago and said, "This one.  She's got a big mouth...how are We gonna use that?"  And it's true, I do have a big mouth.  And I'm opinionated.  And I want to make a difference for kids like Colin.  While this isn't the path I would have chosen for myself or my son, I know that we are right where we are supposed to be. God has a plan - as He has had all along.


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