Control

Recently, I have had this crazy need to clean and organize.  I would say that it's a compulsion.  I would equate it to nesting, where you feel like you can't function until things are in their places. 

I've always enjoyed a clean house.  I completed most of the Konmari tidying up steps several years ago (and yes, it really is the best way to organize. And yes, it actually lasts!).  Any time the boys are gone or otherwise occupied, I don't Netflix and chill, I clean.

I'd say I've been OCD-level for the last month or so.  On the plus side, I've gotten alot of organizing done...on the downside, I know I'm missing out time with the boys because of it.  I always think, "oh, just this one more thing and I'll be able to focus on (insert whatever task)."  But really, it's never done.

I had no idea why I had this sudden urge...until today. 

You see, I've always had a need to control things.  Time and time again, God shows me that I'm not in control:

-Infertility
-pregnancy loss
-Surprise pregnancy with Colin
-Colin's autism diagnosis

All of these things, completely out of my control.  God used all of these things to teach me lessons.  1) I'm not in control, He is. 2) His plans are bigger than anything I could ever imagine.

I came through all of these things a better person, more understanding. Closer to God. Stronger. 

Colin's diagnosis, although I've honestly known it since he was one year old, has only been official for a couple of months.  I didn't know that I would, but I guess I've had a mourning period. 

 I had this epiphany last night: I think that my obsessive need to clean and organize comes from needing control.  I think that organizing my house is a way to control something when our future is so out of my control.

So as we start a new year, I guess I'm learning  (again) that I cannot control everything.  I need to let go and just live the life God had planned for us long before we were even born.

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